lazy saturdays and the return of katy

soooo today was saturday and i woke up way too late for my own good. but in my defense i was tired as hell for all of yesterday so i deserved some added sleep. today Katie and I decided to go to nevsky to see a movie and then go to our fave coffee place for god's gift to russians: aka idealnaya chashka's hot chocolate. its literally like heaven in a cup. we saw shopoholic at the hydojestvenni movie theater by metro mayakovskaya. it was a pretty funny movie. we were stuck in the first row which is REALLLLLLLy close to the screen. like super close. the lady working at the ticket window thought i was crazy for actually buying those tickets (movie seats are assigned in russia). I love movies, mostly because for that 1.5-2 hours i find myself in another life feeling all the feelings of the heroine. If she finds love i feel that love and then once the movie has ended i feel that sinking its over and not real kind of thing. except with horror movies. i always have at least a little bit of paranoia about the paranormal after seeing one of those. i remember when i went to see the ring when i was in high school I was jittery even walking out of the darkened movie theater. I have a tendency to feel things to the extreme. Even with other people i tend to sense their emotions and take them onto myself sometimes--its weird and hard to explain. I can almost always tell what someone is feeling when i am with them--especially if i know them well. I think its because im so empathetic. quickfact: empathy was the top one of my five traits in that personality test i had to take for RA orientation. bleh i dont really feel like writing anymore. im going to go watch from justin to kelly: awesomely bad movie and therefore i cannot resist.


originally the above is all i posted but i feel like being more open and honest. thats just the mood i seem to be in right now. sooo i still love russia and everything i just think i didnt realize how different it would be this semester. i still don't really know anyone in the new group besides the select few people from last semester that i hung out with. i kind of feel out of place now. its weird. i feel less confident in my english social skills and surprisingly i feel more secure in my russian this semester.

its kind of lonely/annoying/disheartening that all of the newbies had all of the bonding time of orientation and the first two weeks and i wasnt a part of that. now its kind of just like im implanted here without the same connections as everyone else. and plus it doesnt really help that im shy and very not prone to opening up to people in large groups--its very intimidating for me-- which is the only socializing that happens here outside of classes. im so much better at one on one conversation. im listening to james blunt right now doing my musical therapy :p and i guess i kind of feel a little hollow right now (stealing his lyrics). i just dont know how to approach making new friends here. thats always kind of been a problem for me--i usually need a buffer and therefore meet alot of my friends through other friends. im not a very go out there and be proactive and meet people kind of person. except when im drinking. then i become more social with the liquid courage. but i dont like drinking--not really. i always feel bad about myself/my actions the morning after even when i dont get actually drunk. i feel like i dont act like myself when i drink and i somehow betray the person i really am. i have huge issues about alcohol. i think its evil. that comes from different experiences from my personal life that i dont really want to get into right now. the only good thing about alcohol is that it makes people more honest and open with each other.

last semester in the first or second class of Platt's dostoyevsky and shakespeare we read a philosopher's work about how people will not be completely comfortable and open with other people because of the constant fear that others are objectifying them. and i do believe in this theory. i know that i myself am never actually comfortable in opening up to people. i dont like giving parts of myself away to people. even to some of my closer friends or even sometimes family. sharing myself and my deep dark secrets (maybe not so dark) is a scary concept.

im very introspective and philosophical tonight. i blame it on the petersburg air. it brings out the 19th century artist/writer/poet in me. oh the romanticism...

until tomorrow

with love,
--D


mood: introspective with a hint of green tea

guess these lyrics:

i was having a sweet fix of a daydream of a boy whose reality i knew was too hopeless to be had.